


Whatever I said

by SheenaWilde



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9092350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheenaWilde/pseuds/SheenaWilde
Summary: Set in 2014. Robbie has left the band for the second time, and this time stayed on good terms with the boys. But leaving is still what it is, and Gary can't seem to be able to deal with it and his home life... (FINISHED, updated regularly)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first Take That fic I started to write. I've been sitting on it for 2 years, slowly progressing with it while working on other stuff, but finally it's ready and here. I'll see in what periods I'll add the chapters, but I think it'll be 1 or 2 weeks between them.
> 
> You can read it on my [tumblr](http://sheenawilde.tumblr.com/post/155733572680/whatever-i-said-chapter-16) as well.

_“Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it…”_

“Gaz?”

_“I just want you back for good…”_

Robbie stared at the air in front of him, shocked as he listened to his friend’s hushed voice through the phone. When he picked it up there was no answer, just Gary singing slowly, silently and in a hoarse voice that sounded like he had been crying.

_“Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it…”_

“I’m not going back to the band, Gaz, if that’s what you’re aiming for…” he forced a chuckle, trying to make a joke out of it, trying to pretend he didn’t understand…

 _“Want you back, want you back, I want you back for good…”_ Gary didn’t even seem to hear him as he continued without a stop and Robbie had to gulp before he could speak.

“Gaz, we’ve spoken about that…” he tried silently but to no avail.

 _“And we'll be together… This time is forever…”_ Gary went on, not even once stopping to react to Robbie’s responses. This worried him even more.

“Gaz… Where are you?” he asked and finally his friend stopped with the singing.

“At home…” his voice was very quiet and he sounded distant, but at least he answered him and that made Robbie sigh in relief.

“Has… anything happened? Are you okay?” he asked worried, trying to figure out what was happening, why Gary sounded so… crushed.

“Do I sound okay?” Gary countered, making Rob bit his lower lip in worry. He did have a point there, unfortunately.

“Are you alone? Where’s Dawn? The kids?”

“She left for her parents. Said that she couldn’t watch me dwell on… this anymore… She won’t be coming back. I don’t blame her. Don’t miss her. She took the kids with her…” Gary answered slowly, silently and Robbie had to digest the information. It seemed so unbelievable that Dawn would just up and leave Gary but… It had been a few months since he left the band again and remembering how they parted on personal terms, how Gary reacted first when he told him his real reasons… Of course they had spoken since then and saved their friendship but he knew that it wasn’t over with yet. He thought a lot about that one conversation, the hurt in Gary’s eyes, but just what was he supposed to do?

“What are you doing right now?” Robbie asked, trying to get some time to think through what he should do.

“Just sitting in the living room alone and… I miss you” Gary whispered and Rob closed his eyes for a moment. He made up his mind, he had no other choice.

“I miss you too, Gaz…” Robbie answered, his voice hushed too, as he got up and strode over to his laptop, quickly searching for the airport’s website and started booking a ticket for the next flight from LAX to Heathrow.

“I hoped so… But it’s not quite the same, is it…” Gary sighed, sounding even more broken than before and this worried Robbie even more. It sounded like Gary hit rock bottom. He knew he had to drag him up from there before it’s too late, one way or another.

“Gaz…” he whispered, closing his eyes. He didn’t know what to say, how to express what he wanted. He quickly typed an email for Josie, asking for a taxi in ten minutes and to explain to Ayda when she comes home that he had to be in London for serious personal reasons which he would tell them later.

“It’s alright, Rob… I understand. I know your reasons and I understand them… Damn, I don’t even know why I called you… I feel so pathetic…” Gary muttered in the other end of the phone painfully as Robbie shut his laptop, ran to his bedroom, and started throwing clothes in a bag frantically.

“No, I didn’t mean it that way, I just… Jesus, Gaz, you’re not pathetic…” he shook his head, although he knew the other wasn’t seeing him. He was battling with packing his things with one hand, while he had to think about how to get Gary out of this miserable mood, to make sure he wasn’t going to do anything stupid. He knew Gary wasn’t like he used to be, but you never know what sadness might do to people. “Look, it’s… it’s around midnight over there, right? Please, try to get some sleep… It will make things look a bit brighter than they do now. I promise to get back to you when you wake up” he said as he realized he had to hang up if he wanted to get changed and going. He didn’t have much time to catch his plane.

“I’m not sleepy… Besides, it’ll be late night when I wake up if I do sleep… Wouldn’t want to bother you…” Gary said slowly, his voice failing him at the end.

“You’ll not be bothering, Gaz” Robbie protested firmly. “I gotta hang up now, mate. Please, try to sleep and… Promise you won’t do anything stupid.”

“You know that I wouldn’t… But sure, I promise” Gary sighed, making Rob feel relieved again. “Bye then…”

“I’ll call you as soon as it’s morning over there. Sleep well!” he said as he, despite being concerned about leaving Gary alone in a state like that, hung up. Then he quickly changed his old sweatpants and T-shirt to something more acceptable, got his bag, and left the house. The taxi was already there waiting for him, bless Josie, so he jumped in, told the driver where to go, and he was already dialing again.

“Hey, Markie!” he greeted his friend as the other picked up the phone on second try.

“Gosh, Rob, do you know what time it is here?” Mark grumbled in a sleepy voice.

“Yeah, almost one in the morning.”

“If you know it, why’d you call? I was sleeping! Can’t it wait till morning?” Mark asked in an exasperated voice.

“Actually, it really can’t. Look, I need you to check on Gaz. Call him and make sure he’s not doing anything reckless” Robbie said in such a worried voice that Mark felt completely awake all of a sudden.

“Why? What happened that I don’t know about?” he questioned immediately, and Rob could hear his concern, too.

“Dawn left and took the kids. He called me and we talked about what happened, but he hasn’t convinced me that he’s fine. I’m on my way to the airport but the flight is fucking ten hours, so I’ll be there only around noon. I don’t trust him alone” Robbie explained and sighed in frustration. Why did he have to live so far? Why couldn’t he be there when he had to be?

“I’ll go over to him then. If my wife left me, I wouldn’t bear to be alone for sure” Mark muttered but there was a short pause before he hesitantly continued. “Tell me if I’m wrong, but I have the feeling the break-up wasn’t why he called you…”

“Yeah, well, not exactly” Robbie admitted, smiling slightly at how easily Mark could figure it out. “It’s because of what happened before I left. But I can’t tell it to you right now. And I’m pretty sure you have it figured out for yourself.”

“Mostly, yes” Mark agreed with a sigh that make Rob ready himself for an upcoming speech but there was none. “I’ll get ready and go over to Gary’s, then. See you tomorrow!”

“Yeah, see you” Robbie muttered as well as he hung up.

When he looked at the screen, he noticed that there were several calls from Josie. So as soon as the taxi stopped at the airport and he paid the driver, he called her back while searching for where his plane would depart from.

“What the hell are you doing? Where are you even going?” the woman asked him immediately, not even waiting for him to say hi.

“I’m at LAX and about to fly to London. I need to speak with Gary” he explained her as his eyes scanned the monitors. When he found his, he hurried over and started to check in. There wasn’t too much time left, and the lady at the counter wasn’t happy about him being late, so he gave her the best smile he could muster.

“And that’s enough reason to just get on a plane and fly 10 hours without any warning? Are you insane?” Josie asked, sounding incredulous.

“Definitely. But that has nothing to do with the flight” Robbie said grinning as he ran towards the departure lounge to catch his plane before it took off. He had about ten minutes- he was lucky they even let him on.

“I’m being serious here! You asked me to explain it to your wife when I don’t even know what I have to explain! At least tell me what is so important that you have to fly to London!” Josie sighed frustrated.

“Gaz is… he’s feeling down…”

“Sir, you can’t use your phone here!” a staff member said, trying to stop him when he arrived to the gates.

“Just a sec!” he told the man, then turned his attention back to his irritated assistant. “Look, Josie, Dawn left him, right? And there’s a reason he called me. I asked Mark to watch over him for me but…”

“Sir, if you want to board the plane…” the man started again, this time more impatiently.

“Right, right…” Robbie nodded at him. “Josie, I gotta hang up! Get back to you as soon as I can!”

“At least write me an email!” Josie shouted into the phone before Robbie hung up and shut it down. He was immediately ushered up on board and about the moment he sat down on his seat, the stewardesses started their usual speech, then the plane took off.

The flight was a torture. Robbie was exchanging emails with Josie and Ayda, explaining why he was away, that he was sorry, and that it really was an emergency. Josie eventually calmed down and got a taxi waiting for him at Heathrow. Ayda’s emails on the other hand weren’t angry at all but Robbie had a feeling she knew more than he wanted her to, even if she wasn’t saying anything and told him to give Gary her condolences. It made him feel guilty but he couldn’t help it now – and he didn’t regret what he was doing. About six or seven hours into the flight, when he woke up – he tried sleeping, but was waking up in every hour – he found that he received a new email from Josie. It said that she had called Mark who told her that Gary was alright, even got some sleep but was feeling horrible. Robbie wasn’t surprised, although he was getting more and more impatient. He wanted to talk to Gary, to finally be there with him… He had no idea what they would do once he got there, but he just wanted to be with him. He would figure the rest out later.

When the plane finally landed after ten hours of agony, Robbie couldn’t bear it anymore. The moment the doors opened, he was off the plane, rushing to get his bag while he turned back on his phone, and instantly dialed Gary. Worry was killing him by the time it was eventually picked up on his third try.

“Gaz, finally!” he sighed relieved.

“It’s me, Rob, Gary’s sleeping” Mark answered him in a hushed voice. “You arrived then, I assume?”

“Yeah, waiting for my bag. What takes so fucking long for it, I’ve no idea….” he grumbled as his eyes scanned the upcoming baggage but none of them were his. “How is he? I suppose it’s good that he’s asleep…”

“Yes… He was up almost all night, I could only talk to him to sleep around four in the morning but he woke an hour later…” Mark said but paused for a moment. “You know, he hasn’t spoken a word about Dawn. He… he said he missed his kids and hoped he could see them soon again, but otherwise he only talked about you… Rob, I know it’s not really my business, but I woke up in the middle of the night, drove through half of London, and have been listening to Gary for hours… And then there’s you, flying over half of the world for him… Is it what I think it is?” Mark asked and Robbie bit his lower lip. He knew he couldn’t ask anyone without them figuring out, that’s why he asked Mark in the first place.

“Yeah… I guess it is… I don’t know…” he whispered, sounding weaker than he intended.

“Robbie, if you come here, he’s gonna hope, y’know? If you show up, it’ll be a promise for him…” Mark started and it seemed like the kind of speech he so knew he was bound to get at some point… But he couldn’t stand to listen to it right now.

“I know! Fuck, Markie, do you think I don’t know?” he bursted out, a bit louder than he intended, and a few people around him gave him weird glances, so he took a deep breath and continued on a quiet voice. “Believe me, I thought about it all. I have no idea how I’m going to solve this whole but… I need to be there for Gaz. I want to be there for him. It’s me who caused this, I have to make it right. I figure the rest out in the meantime… Look, I just got my bag” he told him as he finally saw it roll out on the conveyer. “I gotta hang up now. Be there in ten minutes or so, depends on traffic. Bye!” he hung up, shoving the cell to his pocket, then grabbed his bag, and finally ran out to search for his taxi.

The driver was waiting for him at arrival with a paper with his name on it in his hands. He greeted the man, said where to go, and in the next minute they were on the road. Looked like Josie warned him that Rob was in a hurry, he noted.

As soon as he was in the car, he dialed Josie. He knew they had time for a quick chat, and maybe that was enough to calm her.

“Finally! I thought you’re not gonna ring me at all!” Josie said immediately after she picked up.

“Yeah, well, I called Mark first” Robbie said, and it wasn’t technically a lie as he did only speak to Mark, even if he called Gary’s phone…

“Why am I not surprised? Well, whatever… Did you find the taxi?”

“Yeah, sitting in it already. Thanks” Robbie answered and looked out to the crowded streets of London. “And for keeping me updated on the plane, too.”

“That’s my job, isn’t it? But have you spoken to Ayda? I know you two exchanged emails, we spoke on the phone, but you should call her…” Josie started, and Rob had to take a deep breath to stay collected.

“No, I haven’t yet, but I will, later…” he said silently, guilt building up in him.

“Robbie… You do know how it looks like to us, don’t you? You just up and leave on his first plea… I know it’s serious, but still. We all know what’s there between you and him. Don’t make me say what it looks like…” Josie said, his voice completely serious.

“I know, fuck, I know! Please, just, just let me sort it out for myself. Alright?” he asked, and his voice sounded awfully desperate.

“Right. It’s not my task to speak for you, anyway. I just wanted to warn you” Josie sighed, and Robbie knew she was right. “Be careful, okay?”

“Sure thing” he mumbled. “Bye.”

“Bye” Josie said and she hung up. Well, this was a conversation Robbie certainly didn’t need at this moment… So he tried to focus his thoughts on the way instead.

The traffic was a fucking joke. They had to pull into small streets to avoid getting stuck in a traffic jam, and the driver was choosing streets Robbie swore he’d never been to. But fortunately he got there relatively quickly. He gave the driver some extra, then basically ran to the house, knocking on the door furiously.

“Coming!” he heard Mark’s voice through the door. There was something Gary shouted after Mark but he couldn’t quite make it out. The door opened, and a very tired looking but nevertheless smiling Mark stood there. “Hey, Rob!”

“Hey” he returned the smile as he hurried in. He threw down his bag and kicked off his shoes in the lounge – he didn’t have a jacket, only a sweater, it was hot in LA and he couldn’t be bothered with English weather at that moment -, then stopped, realizing he didn’t know where to find Gary.

“Living room” Mark answered his unasked question. “I’ll be in the kitchen, so I wouldn’t bother” he said with a small, understanding smile, then turned to leave.

“Thanks, mate! For everything” Robbie returned his smile, then went to the living room.

“So, who was it?” Gary asked as he looked up from a newspaper he didn’t seem to be particularly interested in the first place, and gaped when he saw who was standing in the doorway.

“Hey, Gaz…” Robbie gave him half a smile as he walked closer to the couch the other was lying on with a blanket around his shoulders.

“What are you doing here?” Gary asked, incredulous, and sat up.

“You feel down and I know it’s my fault. The least I could do was that I came here” Robbie answered as he sat down beside him and looked at Gary. There were a few brief moments of silence, then Robbie leaned forward to hug him. Gary practically melted into his arms, resting his head against Robbie’s shoulder and buried his face into it.

“I missed you, I missed you so much…” Gary muttered, clinging to him tightly.

“I know, I missed you too…” he whispered, nuzzling to Gary’s hair and breathed in his scent, something familiar and sweet, something he longed to feel again. They sat there in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence, before Gary slowly pulled back, looking up at Robbie.

“I’m glad that you came but… I didn’t mean to drag you away from you family…” he said silently, a bit awkward but he didn’t miss how Robbie flinched at the last word.

“You didn’t ask me to come. I came because…” he paused, a thousand thoughts rushing through his head at that moment. What had happened when they first talked about him not joining Take That on the next album, Gary’s voice over the phone the day before, Ayda’s emails, Mark’s warning… “I came because you are important to me. I couldn’t just sit at the other end of the world, knowing that you’re suffering…” he finished, looking straight at Gary’s eyes, and took a hold of his hands. He knew that he was building a house of cards but for the time being it was easier to just ignore it.

“It’s very kind of you. When I called you… God, I don’t know what’s got into me that I called you… like that…” Gary started, turning his head away in embarrassment. “I would never have done that, have I been thinking clearly. But at that moment, I just felt utterly miserable for fucking up my life, my marriage, and my relationship with you… I just remembered you, our fight and-“

“Okay, Gaz, stop there for a moment!” Robbie cut in, making Gary glance up at him in surprise. “I know that we’ll eventually have to discuss that part as well but for now, could we just catch our breaths? I haven’t seen you in ages, Dawn just left you and I travelled ten hours straight… We have time now. I’m staying as long as needed. We don’t have to rush and have this conversation while half-asleep. As I gathered from Markie, you weren’t big on sleeping last night. We go there when we are prepared for it, physically and mentally.”

“And until then?” Gary asked, frowning, because what Rob said did make sense but also left him with a couple of questions, such as what to do with them right now.

“Until then we do what all grown-ups do when things are difficult” Robbie stated, looking back at Gary completely serious. “Ignore everything” he deadpanned and he had him. Gary cracked and started laughing so hard, he had to lean against Robbie for support, so he could stay sitting. He knew it wasn’t the best joke ever but he needed a relief from all the tension and it was just perfectly timed for that.

“Oh, god, are you ever serious?” he asked, shaking his head slightly as he calmed down a bit.

“Only when I need to be” Robbie grinned with a shrug and put his arms around Gary, pulling him into a hug. He was quite pleased with himself that he could make him laugh.

“Thank you. For everything” Gary said as his laughter eased into a smile and looked at Robbie’s eyes.

“Any time” Rob responded, smiling back at him. They just sat there like that, looking at each other for a while and Gary just wanted to say or do something, when Mark made them aware of his presence by awkwardly clearing his throat.

“I, uh, don’t want to disturb you two…” Mark started slowly as the other two turned their attentions towards him. “But Em called me and I have to go now. I left her alone at an ungodly hour, with three kids and without a proper explanation, so yeah” he explained as his eyes avoided Robbie and Gary on the couch, although trying to hide it and failing – he knew that. “You two will be alright now, right? I mean, I’m not needed anymore, am I?” he asked, desperately trying to make sense of his sentences while he was trying to hide what he was thinking was happening. He knew they figured out what was going through his head, at least Rob definitely knew, but he was trying to be polite.

“Right, we’ll be fine, Markie. Thanks!” Rob smiled at him gratefully and ignored the nervous cautiousness Mark spoke with.

“Yeah, it’s alright now, thank you for helping me survive this night” Gary sent him a smile, too.

“Right. Good. Then good day to you! Call me if you need anything!” Mark said, returning their smiles, even if a bit unsurely and left the room.

“Thanks, Markie! Bye!” Rob shouted after him. Sometimes he didn’t know what he would do without Mark. He sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to fly here – he wouldn’t have hung up on Gary if he didn’t know someone was there to help him. “Well, now I propose sleep. I could use some and judging by those bags under your eyes, you too. What do you say?” he asked, untangling his arms from around Gary and put his hands on his upper arms.

“I couldn’t really sleep, even when I tried…” Gary muttered, although he wouldn’t admit to Robbie that since he was here, he felt so much better, he might as well be able to sleep now… “But I guess trying wouldn’t hurt… If nothing else, I could relax a bit” he agreed finally, and got up from the couch. Rob smiled at him as stood up, too, then they started walking upstairs.

Gary was already trying to prepare himself mentally for sleeping, so he didn’t pay much attention to Robbie as they made it up the staircase. He had been more than a few times to his house over the past few years, he knew his way around, so Gary took it for granted that he didn’t have to show Rob around. That’s why he was surprised when Robbie followed him to his bedroom as if it was the most natural thing to do, and lay down to the bed beside him. Not that he was complaining – he didn’t want to be alone now, and especially not without Robbie. They snuggled under the blankets, facing each other and just lay there, waiting for sleep to take them. The last thing Gary saw before he could eventually fall asleep was a peacefully sleeping Robbie.


	2. Chapter 2

When Gary woke up, he was alone in the bed. Not the best thing to wake up for, he thought as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then, when he looked around, he noticed that the door was slightly ajar, and he could hear Rob’s voice coming from there. He stood up, and went over to the door to see where Rob was, but as he approached the door, he could make out some words – and what he heard made him stop and listen.

“No, Josie- Oh god, I can’t have this conversation again!” Rob said, clearly frustrated. “Yes, I know what it looks like! Yes, I’m going to figure out what it is, and I’m gonna tell Ayda!”

Gary bit his lower lip. Of course Josie would know where Robbie was and what he was doing, she was his right hand. But this meant that she knew about Dawn and him… But Rob wouldn’t have told her what he said him… Yes, he was sure that was between them.

There was a short pause before Rob continued.

“Well, I don’t know but I can’t call her now, it’s early in the morning and she has two little kids right next to her! Yeah, well, but YOU called ME, I don’t have to apologize for that!” Rob protested, then sighed. “He’s sleeping. Quite fine, actually. He’s strong… What? No! No! …okay, me being here MIGHT have made it easier for him but it’s not as simple as that… Nobody can handle a break up alone.”

At these words Gary felt both embarrassed and relieved. Embarrassed, because what Josie most possibly said was just the truth, but relieved that Robbie tried to protect him. Although Gary was sure that not even Rob believed what he said…

“Yes, I know, we have to speak” Robbie continued sarcastically. “Yeah, yeah, ye- what? No! Josie, stop it! It’s hard enough without you making all these comments! You’re not helping!” Robbie almost shouted, getting angry, then took a deep breath and continued much more silently. “Look, I don’t wanna wake up Gaz now that he finally fell asleep, and I’m feeling jetlagged, so I want to go back to sleeping too… We decided to speak about it after we slept…”

Gary wanted to listen to the rest of the conversation too, but it awfully sounded like Robbie was going to get rid of Josie soon, and he didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping… So he quickly tiptoed back to the bed and slid under his blanket again, turning his back towards the door. He could still hear Rob’s voice but couldn’t make out what he was saying. Then there was silence – he must have hung up, Gary concluded. He heard Rob’s footsteps as he slowly came back to the bedroom, then there was a loud bang and a silent thud.

“God fucking damn it!” Robbie cursed silently, and Gary turned around, sitting up to see what happened. Rob was standing next to the door, leaning against the wall and rubbing his toes on one leg, but noticed the movement on the bed and looked up at Gary with an apologetic smile. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t want to wake you…”

“It’s fine, I was already half-awake” he smiled, shrugging.

“I just got a call from Josie, and I had to pick it up… But your door seems to hate me, I accidentally kicked it on the way out too!” Robbie pouted as he released his toes and limped back to the bed, hopping down on it.

Gary laughed at the face Robbie pulled and at what he said, then just shook his head, smiling.

“I don’t think that it hates you though. Maybe it just didn’t want you to leave…”

“Geez, Gaz, we’re not writing a song, don’t be so cheesy!” Robbie rolled his eyes and playfully pushed at Gary’s shoulder, but his smile was soft, not teasing at all.

“I wasn’t being cheesy! I just tried to comfort you!” Gary protested chuckling but reached out to take a hold of Robbie’s hand and returned his smile.

“Oh, really? I thought it was you who needed comfort?” Rob raised his eyebrows as he gently squeezed Gary’s hand.

“Well, right now it was you. Couldn’t let you believe you’re not welcome here, could I?” Gary asked, inching slightly closer.

“Oh, I would never think that…” Robbie whispered before he felt Gary’s lips on his own. It was a soft, short kiss, Gary drew back quickly to look at him to see his reaction. Robbie immediately leaned forward to kiss him again, sliding his arms around Gary’s waist, and guessed it was an answer good enough. He was assured of it when Gary wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

This time, it took much longer for them to break away.

“I guess we’re not speaking first then…” Robbie whispered against the other’s lips.

“Do you want to stop and speak now?” Gary asked, raising his eyebrows, with his voice husky and his eyes fixed on Rob’s lips.

“God, no!” Robbie moaned in protest and captured Gary’s lips again.

It was the most amazing feeling in the world for him, something he knew he should have done long, long ago. He silenced the part of his mind that was trying to tell him that it was a bad idea, that was trying to remind him of his life… It was relatively easy as the bigger part of his mind was shouting in happiness, that after such a long time of yearning, this was happening.

“Fuck, Gaz…” Robbie whispered as he pulled away, panting, and looked at Gary’s eyes. He cupped his face in his hand, smiling softly at the feeling of the slight stubble against his palm and at the way Gary closed his eyes and leaned into his hand. Then he pulled away and lay back on the bed, sighing and closing his eyes. He was so deep in shit, he had been ever since he booked that ticket for the flight and he had no idea what to do.

Robbie looked up at Gary who was still sitting beside him, staring at the bed frowning. He reached out for his arm, making Gary look at him in surprise, and gently pulled him down beside him. He wrapped his arms around him and buried his face into his hair as he closed his eyes again. Gary pressed against him, hugged him back and said nothing. Robbie knew that Gary understood him. That was why he immediately tried to talk about it when he arrived, and Robbie knew it was his guilt that he dismissed it, that he tried to procrastinate discussing it and that he didn’t just go to the guest room… But he was drawn to Gary stronger than ever, he just wanted to be with him. That was the reason he’d flown here, why he followed him to the bedroom. Now that he was here, he didn’t want to be apart from him, not for a minute. He should have known himself good enough that he couldn’t be trusted… It was so obvious that they would end up like this. It had always taken them a lot of effort to keep their hands off each other, or at least at terms they could label as friendly, even in front of the cameras and everyone else. It was simply daft and careless to think that it wouldn’t escalate into something more when it’s only the two of them.

With a sigh, Robbie pulled back a bit.

“Is it too late to talk?”

“I guess not” came the answer from Gary and he too pulled back slightly, so he could look at the other. “Where do you want to start?”

“I don’t know…” Robbie mumbled, completely helpless. “You started speaking about the phone call before, when I stopped you.”

“Yeah. I wanted to say sorry for that and explain why I called you. Because I really didn’t mean to make everything even more complicated…” Gary started silently, averting his eyes from Robbie. “I told you everything when we fought. You know that I love you and that I want to make something out of it. Dawn saw that although I still loved her, I couldn’t stop longing after you. She watched as you came back to my life with full force and took over it so easily, without even trying… I understand why she left, you know…”

“So it is up to me if I break your heart or not…” Robbie muttered, staring into the air.

“No! I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you to… to choose!” Gary protested and looked up at Robbie. “This is the reason why I apologized for calling. I wasn’t thinking clearly at that moment. My world, the last near two decades just collapsed on me… You were the first one on my mind. I had no idea I sounded so miserable that you would come over here. I don’t want you to feel forced to make a decision. You don’t have to. You can go back to your family and we can forget what happened…”

“Jesus, Gaz, I can’t just do that!” Robbie shook his head immediately, looking at the other wide-eyed. “It’s not just that it would be fucking unfair to you but… I’m not sure what I want…” he sighed, closing his eyes and pulled Gary closer, holding him tighter. “This… I like what we have and I love you, too. I’m not sure if I want to give it up” he whispered, leaning his forehead against Gary’s but kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to give Gary up but then there was his wife, Ayda, and their two children… No matter how he looked at it, he had to pick one and abandon the other… And it wasn’t an easy choice to make.

God, he loved Gary. It didn’t start now or a year or two ago. It had started way earlier. He felt like there wasn’t a moment when he hadn’t loved him as he couldn’t recall any. They had met for the first time, then in his next memory he had already been in love with him.

But then there was Ayda. He loved her deeply too, and he had always believed ever since they had first met that they were going to grow old together. They even had two adorable little children who he loved to bits and wanted to be part of their lives. There was just no easy way to go around it. Whatever his choice was going to be, a part of him will mourn.

“I don’t feel like I have the right to ask but… Can you give me some time to think?” Robbie asked silently and opened his eyes, his gaze meeting with Gary’s.

“Of course, take your time. I wouldn’t want to rush with something like this either” Gary nodded, bringing a hand up to caress Robbie’s cheek. “But as I said, don’t feel guilty if you don’t… if you go back to Ayda. I will completely understand that…”

“Please, don’t talk about it like it’s already decided…” Robbie pleaded with his voice barely audible. “I have no idea what to do. Right now, I would just want to forget all about the outside world and be with you…”

He was cut off by a soft kiss from Gary. He blinked at the other confused when they pulled away.

“We can do that. We can act like it’s just the two of us in the whole world for the time being. You’ll decide when you have to and we would still have some time together… No one would have to know…” he offered but didn’t look up to meet Robbie’s eyes – he was afraid of what the other would find there. He didn’t need to seem more pathetic in front of him.

“I did say we should ignore everything…” Robbie whispered, laughing weakly. He knew it wouldn’t be fair to Ayda, it was cheating, nothing more, nothing less, there was no denying it. But he would get to be with Gary… “I would love that but I don’t know how far I could go. And I still have to speak to Ayda today, I promised her…” he said and Gary just nodded silently, as a sign of understanding. There was a few moments of silence before he continued. “But you know… even if we do that… and then I choose Ayda… We would have to know how far we could go without causing irreparable damage in our friendship. And I don’t think we do.”

“You’re right. We don’t know” Gary agreed silently, looking downwards. “I… don’t think I can think clearly now… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…” he muttered and started pulling away, trying to sit up when Robbie grabbed his arm.

“Woah, wait! Where are you going?” he protested as he sat up too and pulled him back to a hug. “Don’t go, please, don’t go… I want you to stay. Don’t blame yourself” he whispered into the crook of Gary’s neck, finding comfort in his closeness, his warmth. He was relieved to find that Gary settled into his arms, seemingly calming down, although he wasn’t sure until he heard him speak.

“Alright. Thank you.”

“No. Don’t thank me for being so fucked up and for fucking up your life too. You have nothing to thank me…”

“I do. You didn’t… Look, it was me who pushed the matter, always me. I brought it up, I initiated something when I know we were both married, I fucked up my marriage and I am the on my way to fuck yours up too… I should thank you for even tolerating me…” Gary whispered, casting his eyes down and buried his face to his shoulders. He wasn’t shocked when he was pushed away – but he was indeed when next Robbie pulled him into a deep kiss. He returned it immediately, grateful for being forgiven, for being loved…

“I hope that I can knock your worries out of your head…” Robbie mumbled when he pulled away, still gasping for air. “We are… Neither of us is innocent here, we both had our mistakes. But I don’t want to think about that. I just want you” he said, and dove in for another kiss. “I wish I could have you…”

Gary just smiled bitterly but didn’t say a thing. It would be so easy for Rob’s wish to come true, yet so hard… He knew he had to accept the fact that he would only have a few days of heaven with Robbie, then it all was going to be taken away from him. He didn’t know what he was going to do then – he dreaded the utter feeling of loneliness he felt today morning. But he guessed he would have to live with it. With Robbie not in the band, it shouldn’t prove that hard…

“Gaz?” Rob’s voice pulled him back to reality and he looked up at him immediately.

“Ah, sorry, I’ve been thinking… Nevermind. You were saying?” he asked with an apologetic smile.

“I just… I think it’s time for me to call Ayda… I’ve already stretched it too far. I… I have to tell what happened to her…” Robbie started and looked away, a guilty and somewhat scared look on his face.

“Sure, of course” Gary nodded and freed himself from Rob’s arms. “I’ll make some tea until then. Or would you prefer coffee? I think I have some…”

“Tea is alright. I can’t really drink real tea in LA” Robbie forced a smile, then looked away.

“Okay. I’ll be in the kitchen then” Gary said as he stood up from the bed and left the bedroom, closing the door behind himself, then went downstairs to busy himself with making the tea.


	3. Chapter 3

When the door closed, Robbie took his phone to his hands and stared at it. He felt guilty for what had happened, feared what was going to come, feared having to choose. Or not having to choose. Fuck, he was married with children, he shouldn’t even be contemplating this…

Robbie shook his head. This wasn’t the time to be thinking these things. He unlocked the phone and dialed Ayda – they would discuss what was going to happen together, after he explained everything. Ayda had been putting up with his shit for so long, she must have already concluded everything anyway.

“Hey, Rob” she greeted him, just like any other time.

“Hi, hon” Robbie started unsurely and chewed his bottom lip for a moment before he could continue. “Did you speak to Josie?”

“Yes, a little. She messaged me after you two talked this morning – well, afternoon for you – and I called her back. She said you didn’t feel too good and that you didn’t want to wake the babies, so you’d call me later” Ayda said and stopped, clearly waiting for him to speak next.

“Yeah…” Robbie whispered and tried to say something but he just didn’t know where to start now. How does one tell about these things to their wife?

“How’s Gary?” Ayda asked, sensing his helplessness, bless her.

“He’s better. Not completely good, but much better than he was when he called…” he answered and let out a relieved sigh that the conversation wasn’t going straight to problem. “But how can you be after your wife leaves you and takes your children? It’s hard on him. But at least I could get him to sleep a bit. Mark said he didn’t get much sleep today.”

“Yes, poor honey, I hope he’s going to be able to get over it…” Ayda sighed with genuine sorrow in her voice.

“Yeah, me too. But he’s sadder over the kids than Dawn, you know…” Robbie added slowly, and sprawled out on the bed. Here it comes, then. “He told me that lately their relationship wasn’t too good… Since… Since I’ve left.”

There were a few moments of silence between them which managed to make Robbie even more anxious of this whole conversation and what was about to come. Ayda wasn’t stupid – hell, he loved her for her brain just as much as for her beauty! -, she must have figured things out. She must have.

“Do I finally get to know what is exactly between you two?” Ayda asked silently. Her voice wasn’t demanding, angry or hurt – it was only a simple question.

“Yeah… It’s… It’s not easy, you know” Robbie closed his eyes as he started speaking. “It has never really been a simple friendship. There was always, just, more. During Progress… All those days we were working together and getting along well… It just escalated, I don’t know how. Gaz… he tried to bring it to my attention, like I didn’t notice it too, and wanted to act on it… I couldn’t, because I had you, but these feelings just remained there, and it wasn’t easy to go on, to ignore them. When you got pregnant again, and I wanted to leave the band… That wasn’t nice. We fought, both said things we didn’t mean… You know how I was when I arrived home” Robbie paused for a moment, and continued only after he heard Ayda let out a soft ‘yeah’. “But we got over it with time, at least I did. Gary didn’t, and Dawn just couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. It was my fault in the end, so I had to come here, despite basically everyone telling me not to…”

“That usually doesn’t stop you” Ayda commented and Rob could practically hear the smile in her voice. It made him smile a tad, too.

“No, it doesn’t, neither did it this time” he agreed, somewhat relieved that Ayda wasn’t asking her a thousand questions and demanding the truth for him. Thank goodness for her patience. “But today, Gary was broken, truly broken… I’ve never seen him like this before. He got better when I arrived, me being here really helped him and… I wanted to talk about things, we wanted to talk about what’s happening but…” his voice died down, he simply couldn’t go on.

“You didn’t get to the talking part?” Ayda asked quietly, but her voice didn’t show any emotion.

“No, no, it’s not what you think. I mean…” Robbie protested immediately and rolled to his stomach, propping himself on his elbows as rested his head in his hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “We haven’t done much but we- we kissed. I just… I’m sorry…”

Another silence settled between them but this one stretched a bit further, with Robbie not daring to say anything more until he didn’t know what Ayda was thinking. He knew he gave her quite some things to think about and he felt lucky she wasn’t pushing divorce papers in his face immediately. But silence never meant good…

“What do you want to do now?” Ayda asked finally, her voice strict but not demanding.

“I have no idea” Robbie sighed and sat up on the bed, staring at the blanket in front of him as he was considering his situation. “I love you and I love the kids, I hope you know that this didn’t change. But Gary… it’s been twenty years, more than twenty. I don’t know how I am supposed to ignore that after what has happened. I can’t just say that it’s tough and move on. I just can’t do that!”

“So you are basically asking me what to do…”

“No, no, but… it depends on you, too, after all, you’re my wife” Robbie said silently, his voice somewhat pleading.

“Rob, you know perfectly well that I am not going to be a bitch and start shouting with you to come home” Ayda sighed exasperatedly. “I’m not happy about hearing this and it hurts but I can’t say I never saw it coming. Considering everything – your shared past, and what happened recently – I think I should just let you work it out… Maybe that would be the best.”

“I don’t want to cheat on you…” Robbie started but Ayda wouldn’t let him finish.

“You don’t. You won’t have to tell me what you two did and I won’t ask any questions. You try to settle it and we will speak again. Good?” Ayda asked, her voice firm.

“Good. Thanks” Robbie said, closing his eyes in relief. God, he loved her. He was in deep shit.

“Call me back when you feel you know what to say to me. Bye until then” Ayda said, and after hearing Robbie’s goodbye, she hung up on him. After that Robbie just lay down on the bed once again and stayed like that for a few minutes, waiting for his thoughts to calm down.

Meanwhile Gary went down to the kitchen to make some tea. He did it all mechanically – get the water, let it boil, put the filter in it and wait till it soaks. He watched the steam rising from it and tried to keep his mind on it, to not let his thoughts wander back to Rob who was now talking to his wife about them… Damn, he knew Ayda, they were on good terms, he felt like he betrayed her…

Gary quickly shook his head to get rid of the thought. He didn’t want to feel any worse than he already did… It was hard enough to deal with the break-up with Dawn and the situation Robbie suddenly returning his feelings put them in, he didn’t need to feel bad for Ayda too… He needed to be strong now, focus on what was happening and not worry about the future yet. Especially not about thing beyond his reach. He took two mugs from the cupboard and poured the tea in them, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He didn’t want to be upset when Robbie came back… He hadn’t dared to imagine yet in what state the other was going to be.

Suddenly Gary felt a pair of arms circling his waist and a body enveloping him, distracting him from his depressed musings. He looked back with a small smile that turned somewhat bitter when he saw Rob burying his face to his shoulders with a pained look.

“Is it that bad?” Gary asked silently, turning his gaze back towards the mugs on the counter. His heartbeat seemed to stop in pain, thinking about the upcoming rejection – because that was what must be coming, wasn’t it?

“No, no, not at all…” Robbie’s muffled voice came slowly. “Ayda, she…she gave me total freedom. I can do whatever I want, until I tell her what’s the end of it.”

“Oh… I see. That is… good, isn’t it?” Gary asked silently. It ought to be good…

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just…” Robbie shook his head as he pulled his head back, now resting his chin on Gary’s shoulder and sighed. “She basically said the same thing you did. That she understands whatever I choose. You know, I half-hoped she would be the typical harpy just this once, demanding me to get my ass home as fast as possible… It’s not that I don’t want you, I just… You do see why I don’t want to choose, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do” Gary nodded and turned around, returning the embrace. What else could he say? He had told him that he loved him and that there was no pressure. He had assured him of his friendship if nothing else. He had nothing left to say…

“I feel so bad… I didn’t mean to torture you like this… Fuck, I came to help…” Robbie whispered guiltily, regretting so many of his decisions in the past few hours…

“No. Stop” Gary said firmly and took Rob’s face in his hands, forcing him gently to look up. “Don’t talk about this. I made us tea. Let’s go to the living room and drink it nicely and calmly, without these worrying thoughts…”

“Well, I can’t promise I won’t think about it, but alright” Rob gave him a smile, and as far as Gary was concerned, he looked relieved.

They both grabbed a mug of steaming black tea, then headed to the living room. Gary took his usual place on the couch and smiled happily when Rob cuddled against his side. They slowly sipped on their tea in silence, just enjoying a little calm time and each other’s presence before they would have to acknowledge the outside world once again. He didn’t know when they had started exchanging kisses, but they ended up with Robbie laying on top of him, their empty mugs cast aside and forgotten while they were kissing slowly, lazily.

“Gary! Are you home? I came for my – oh god!” Dawn’s voice broke the silence and burst their bubble, making them look up and pull away quickly. They saw Dawn staring at them wide-eyed from the doorway, then she turned around to leave the room.

“Dawn, wait!” Gary shouted after her, scrambling to his feet as Robbie pulled back. “Shit, fucking shit…” he mumbled as he ran after her, giving the other an apologizing look. Robbie stayed sitting on the couch, he thought the best was not to interfere.

Gary arrived in the hall to see Dawn disappearing on the top of the stairs, so he hurried after her immediately.

“Dawn, wait!” he said as he took the stairs quickly, two at a time.

“What for, Gary?” Dawn sighed as she headed for their bedroom. While he followed after her, Gary was relieved that she didn’t sound angry. “It’s hardly anything unexpected.”

“But it is! I don’t- I didn’t just swap, even if it looks like that! Calling Rob wasn’t my first move after you left…” he started explaining. He didn’t want to sound like he was making up excuses – he simply wanted her to see the truth. He didn’t need to be perfect for her anymore but they had agreed to keep things between them civilized. Friendly. He didn’t want her to feel like she was replaced. Their marriage might have gone down the drain but it didn’t mean he hated her and didn’t want to make her feel any more hurt.

“Even if you didn’t, he’s here. That fact won’t change” Dawn said as she looked back at him after she opened the wardrobe door. “Look, this is exactly why I put an end to our relationship. I’m not blaming you, only saying that this is obviously what you want. He is obviously what you want.”

“I just-” Gary started, sighing. “I just don’t want you to think I’ve been cheating on you, because I haven’t, I’d never-”

“I know, Gary. I know you” Dawn said with a small, faint smile, and stopped packing her things to put a calming hand on Gary’s arm. “I only hope you know what you are getting yourself into. That it’s not a whim on Rob’s part…” she started slowly, carefully. She was worried for Gary, she didn’t want him to end up even more miserable than he had been these last months.

“It- it isn’t. I don’t know what will become of it, but it’s certainly more than a whim” Gary gave Dawn the best convincing smile he could muster. “I think I’ll just let you pack… Do you need help with it?”

“No, I don’t think it would be fair to ask you to help. And anyway, I’m not taking much now, I’ve had most of it yesterday.” she answered as she turned back to the closet.

“Alright. Then I’ll be downstairs” Gary nodded, then left the room. He sighed in relief as he started walking down the steps. Dawn knew, she knew and understood it, she didn’t hate him. It was so important for him… Even if it wasn’t the kind of love needed for a marriage, he still loved her. They had lived most of their lives together and her opinion was still important to him – one couldn’t just cut this kind of ties in a moment, and they never even wanted to.

As Gary stepped into the living room, he found an anxious Robbie sitting on the couch with hunched shoulders and pulled up legs, staring into his mug. When he noticed Gary’s presence, he glanced up with an expression of guilt and shame, then looked away.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make things worse between you, I-”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down!” Gary laughed softly, and sat down next to a now confused Rob. “Dawn isn’t angry. She doesn’t really care, or how should I say… Rather, she’s worried a bit, but she’s certainly not angry” he said taking one of Rob’s hands into his own ones. “It’s alright, love.”

“Oh, thank goodness” Robbie said, a wave of relief washing over him as he put the mug on the table, then threw his arms around Gary, “Wouldn’t want to make things harder for you, especially if I- If I- Yeah…”

“Rob, I and Dawn are friends. Sure, the divorce isn’t an easy thing, but we are on good terms and it’s going to stay that way. You can’t ruin anything” Gary said reassuringly and Robbie finally nodded with honest relief. “Anyway, Dawn only came for the rest of her clothes, so she’ll leave soon, and then we’ll have the house all for ourselves. No one to bother us, no one to remind us of the world outside” he continued, smoothing his thumb over the back of Rob’s hand.

“Well, this does sound very appealing…” Robbie grinned, leaning forward to press a quick kiss on Gary’s lips – he didn’t want to initiate something longer because he didn’t know when Dawn would leave, and he didn’t want her seeing them again. One was already too many. “What about Mark?” Robbie asked suddenly, confusing Gary.

“What about him?”

“He kind of knows what’s going on, obviously” he said, and when Gary frowned, he continued. “Why do you think he has taken off so haphazardly? He had the idea of what was going to happen before we did…”

“Oh… Oh. Right. Um…” Gary understood finally and frowned deeper as he thought about it. “Well, uh… I don’t think he would tell anyone…”

“Obviously, as he knew about our fight too” Robbie sighed, then rolled his eyes playfully at Gary’s shocked expression. “You honestly thought he wouldn’t tell me you’d told him? He was worried about me anyway, asked how I was. Whatever” he shook his head quickly. “Point is, are we gonna tell him about this, no matter what’s the end? I mean, honestly tell him about everything?”

“Oh, well… I suppose so. If we’ve dragged him into it…” Gary started, musing. “If he had to babysit me at those ungodly hours, the least we can do is explain it to him. This whole is no secret to the band, after all.”

“Right. Just wanted to see if we’re on the same page” Robbie nodded seriously.

“Hey, guys” Dawn stopped at the door, somewhat shyly, and the two men quickly released each other’s hand. When they looked at her, she turned to Gary. “I have finished packing for now. If I’ve forgotten anything, I’ll ring you and we’ll see when you are free.”

“Alright. You sure you don’t need help with that?” Gary asked her, pointing at the suitcase next to the door.

“No, no, I’ll be fine, it’s just on suitcase” Dawn shook her head quickly. “Well… See you then” she said, sending a smile to both of the men. “Bye.”

Gary and Robbie said goodbye too, then as the door closed, Robbie leaned back, somewhat relieved. Dawn really acted normally, no hating looks thrown his way, no sly comments. She just seemed to have… accepted this whole. It was somewhat bitter – Robbie had no idea that Gary’s marriage had been that bad lately. Then again, they rarely spoke about personal life as of late, with this tension between them. No wonder he missed this.

“I told you it won’t be horrible. We are friends with Dawn” Gary assured Robbie and reached out to hold his hand.

“Yeah… That’s good” Rob smiled at him reassuringly, but avoided looking into his eyes. He wanted to tell him that he was going to stay with him. That he would choose him, that this was what he wanted. But he couldn’t make a brash decision, he had to think of Ayda, of their children… He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his head back, letting out a small sigh.

“Would you just… want to watch TV for the rest of the night?” Gary offered suddenly, just smiling at him with an understanding smile.

“Yes. I think that’d be great” Robbie looked at him with a thankful expression. Having the night just for the two of them and not worrying about anything… That was what they needed, a good rest. Tomorrow or maybe the day after, they could go back to worrying.

Gary stood up and disappeared into the kitchen with their mugs, then returned a few minutes later with them refilled and a bowl of fresh popcorn. Robbie turned on the TV, browsing between the channels as Gary cuddled next to him after placing the mugs and the bowl in arms reach on the coffee table. He put an arm around him, pulling him closer, then as he finally settled on a program, took a hold of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried so hard to do justice to Ayda's character. I love her so much, she's such an awesome, intelligent woman.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tomorrow is my birthday, so here, have a chapter early! :)

They spent the next day without saying a word about this whole – they just lived together, as happily as possible, and any time an intruding, guilty thought crawled into their minds, they shoved it back to where it came from. They wouldn’t let it ruin their idyllic time, as little as there was of it… They wanted to make every minute count, and for Robbie, he tried to figure out if this was really what he yearned for, if it was worth choosing… As shitty as he felt for thinking about it that way, this was some sort of trial. It would have been worse if Gary didn’t know this though. They were at least honest about it, even if they didn’t talk about it. They were just… done talking. Now was the time to enjoy their situation.

Gary felt their relationship become more over the few days that had passed – Robbie had been living with him for only four days, but now neither of them was shy about touching the other anymore, of initiating a kiss, a cuddle, or something more… Although they didn’t exactly know what to do, either. Hands wandered freely, lingering over some areas more than the others, going farther and farther each time… But there was always a line they never crossed.

Robbie just finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher after their lunch as Gary prepared the teapot and the other things necessary for making the tea and was now only waiting for the water to boil. Robbie walked over to him to casually hug him, then pressed a short, sweet kiss to his mouth. Then another. And another, until they eventually ended up with the things on the counter shoved aside as Gary was sitting up on it with Robbie between his legs, the two of them kissing like there was no tomorrow. Gary’s fingers were tangled in Rob’s hair, messing it up completely as he was pulling him closer, and he felt Rob’s hands on his hips, his thigh, his bottom… Just everywhere on him, and it was hot, everything was hot, like his body was on fire, and bloody hell, he felt like a teenager all over again…

Robbie was feeling just the same, his hands reaching to touch more, one slipping under Gary’s T-shirt at the back, the other boldly inching farther up on his thigh, and he tried to get closer to Gary, to feel his body against him, and then suddenly there was friction, and oh god they were both moaning in need…

They’d had some heated moments lately but none of them escalated further. Not for the lack of desire, oh no – they were just afraid. Robbie didn’t know anything about gay sex. Sure, he had some basic ideas, and everybody had seen, ah, videos, so to say, but reality was a completely different thing. He didn’t want to do anything wrong, didn’t want to hurt Gary, and honestly, he was also just plainly panicking from the thought. It was something he craved but it also scared him to the core.

Robbie knew Gary shared his feelings to some extent, this was the reason nothing had happened yet, although he kind of knew that if it was only for Gary, they would have already done it. Gary wanted him without a doubt, and unlike him, he wasn’t overthinking. Surely he wasn’t worrying about what would happen after – what would happen to them, their friendship if they did it. Though Robbie had to admit, there would probably be no real friendship between them if he went back to Ayda now. They had survived a lot of things together, they had fallen out for fifteen years, they’d made up but then… these things came back to the surface, things that used to be so easy to ignore when they were young, single and dead drunk every second night, with no questions about whether they were still in the band…

Robbie slid both hands to Gary’s hips, grabbed the edges of his T-shirt, and started slowly pulling it up. He had made his decision, he only had to see if Gary was up for it.

“Would you like to take it to the bedroom?” Gary whispered against his lips when Robbie bared most of his chest, only needing to pull the T-shirt over his head to get rid of it.

“If… you would like to” he answered, voice a bit weak from anticipation and the slight panic he was feeling.

“Yes” Gary smiled as he left soft kisses on Robbie’s neck and pressed his body flush against his. “I would very much like to…”

Robbie’s breath hitched at the contact and leaned forward to capture Gary’s lips again, releasing his T-shirt and pulling him closer by grabbing his bottom. It took them some time to be able to part, so they could make their way upstairs, tea and all else long forgotten.

Gary wasn’t calm at all, his heart was beating unbelievably loud and his hands were shaking. By the time they made it to the bedroom, Robbie made sure to free them both from their tees so he was now left fumbling with Robbie’s belt as they were slowly inching towards the bed, becoming more and more frustrated until he was finally able to undo it. He was just thinking of giving credit to Rob for not laughing at him when Rob almost tackled them both to the bed in a not too sexy manner while trying to kick of his jeans. This made them stop and pull apart, looking at each other for a moment before they both bursted out laughing. Robbie pulled Gary into a tight hug and he rested his head on Rob’s shoulder. It was just so bizarre, the two of them in this situation… It was something they never really believed would happen.

As they slowly calmed down, Gary looked up at Robbie again and he looked back with a gentle, loving expression. Gary leaned forward to kiss him again, slowly, sweetly this time. They continued to kiss like that, not rushing anymore. They both calmed down from laughing, and suddenly with all that nervousness gone, it didn’t feel that urgent. In the end they made it to the bed, and with Robbie’s help, Gary slipped out of his pants, too.

Later, they were just lying on the bed in each other’s arms, trying to catch their breaths. They were smiling happily, exchanging soft kisses every now and then but were too tired to talk – although they weren’t really in the mood either. The intimate, comfortable kind of silence settled over them and they didn’t want to break it. It was just so pleasant to rest in each other’s arms in such a moment, to listen to the rhythm of each other’s heartbeat while slowly falling asleep.

After this, they settled into a more comfortable routine. There weren’t any tense moments anymore, no more awkward silences after sharing passionate kisses, or abruptly stopping hands. They were more comfortable with letting themselves touch, and if a situation escalated into something more, they let it. They made love freely, without worries. They had already crossed every boundary and there was no going back – there was no point in holding back anymore.

They started off watching TV, nothing special really. They were cuddling because that had become the normal way to watch TV, or really, just to lie together anywhere. But then Gary kissed Robbie while advertisements were playing, and honestly, the program they had been watching wasn’t any good either, so they didn’t bother stopping when it continued. Then Gary moved to straddle Rob’s hips, who wasn’t putting up any protest. He grabbed the hem of Robbie’s T-shirt, starting to pull it up and off as fast as he could, only breaking the kiss until he took it off completely. Then he went on to unbuckling Robbie’s belt and opening his pants, while Rob also fumbled with his T-shirt, tugging it upwards. Just as he finally managed to pull it over his head and throw it away, the bell rang.

They both froze at the unexpected noise, and Robbie groaned leaning his head back as Gary just sighed before started getting up, searching for his T-shirt.

“Are you seriously gonna answer that?” Robbie raised his head to look at Gary, who nodded.

“Yeah, I gotta. What if it’s someone important?” he said with a sigh as he put on his T-shirt quickly. “Just… stay here, you can’t be seen from the door, and I… I’ll try to get rid of whoever it is” he assured Robbie, then hurried towards the door, quickly tugged at his T-shirt again and ran a hand through his hair, just to be sure. The bell rang again, and he just hoped he managed not to look too disheveled, he wouldn’t want there to be any indications of what he had intended to do… With a last sigh, he opened the door and found Mark standing there.

“Hi, Gary” Mark greeted him, smiling at him politely.

“Hey, Mark” Gary smiled back at him. This wasn’t going to be short, he knew that… “What brought you here today?”

“Oh, I thought I’d check on you two. I haven’t heard anything of you and Rob in the past days and I was worried” Mark answered with a slight concerned look washing over his face.

“Sorry, we didn’t really let you know what happened, did we? Do come in” Gary looked at Mark guiltily, rubbing the back of his neck, then stepped aside from the door, inviting him in. “Go ahead and sit down in the kitchen, we can talk over a cup of tea. I’ll just go and fetch Robbie first.”

“Still sleeping?” Mark laughed as he walked in the house and turned towards the kitchen, shaking his head slightly.

“No, for once he’s only in the living room” Gary smiled back at him closing the door. “We’ve been up for a while, I’m not letting him sleep in.”

“Oh my god, what are you doing to him? In the end he’ll start sticking to a normal daily schedule!” Mark teased Gary chuckling.

“I know right?” Gary smiled too, then turned towards the corridor. “I’ll be here in a sec then-”

“So who was it?” Robbie appeared in the longue suddenly, his hair a mess, only wearing his jeans with the belt still unbuckled, and looked completely unbothered until his eyes met with a shocked Mark’s. “Oh, hiya, Markie, didn’t see you there…” he forced a smile in embarrassment, and blushed deeply.

“Yeah, I realized” Mark nodded and looked away from his friends. “I’ll, uh, go to the kitchen then… and start boiling the water… You two come when you’re ready” he mumbled, then hurried forward, disappearing to the kitchen.

“Sorry…” Robbie muttered, looking at Gary.

“Ah, whatever. He was bound to find out today, one way or another…” Gary sighed, shaking his head dismissingly. “I’ll go to talk with him now, you just go and get dressed first, okay?”

“Sure” Robbie nodded before leaving for the living room.

Gary took a deep breath, and walked to the kitchen. A thousand thoughts were rushing through his head, all about what he should say first, what Mark would ask first, what he should do now… They wanted to tell Mark about what was happening, but only when everything was solved, not now when they had no idea what exactly was going on… They wanted to figure things out first for themselves. Though he knew lately they hadn’t done much talking about it and were only trying to buy time for themselves…

Gary stepped into the kitchen and found Mark standing next to the counter, the water already put to boil. He had a thoughtful expression as he was staring at the ground and didn’t notice Gary walking in at all.

“Hey, Mark” Gary said softly and leaned against the counter not far from the other, but didn’t look at him.

“So you… You have been sleeping together?” Mark asked with a slight hesitation in his voice but there was no easy way to go around the question.

“Yeah… Yes, we have” Gary answered, still not looking up, and swallowed. He really shouldn’t be feeling as if his mother was going to scold him, but… He knew Mark was going to and he would be right. “For the past few days.”

“Has Rob broken up with Ayda?”

“No.”

Quick question, quick answer.

Mark sighed and shook his head, but didn’t say anything yet, just continued staring at the ground with a deepening frown. Gary dared to risk a quick side-glance to see his friend’s face, to have some basis of what to expect.

“You’re stupid. You know that, don’t you?” Mark said finally, looking up at him with a painful expression. “It’s going to hurt you both. I don’t even know what to say, maybe you two shouldn’t have talked about it at all. Because if he hasn’t broken up with her yet, I don’t think he will. You’ve given him a free pass and he has too much to lose if he stays with you.”

“I know. But it feels so good. I will deal with later when I get to it” Gary said silently, not looking up at Mark. “I had my marriage fall apart over this. At least I’ve got a taste of it.”

“Gary…”

Whatever Mark wanted to say was cut off by Robbie stepping in the room and it seemed like Mark didn’t intend to finish it. Rob still looked embarrassed, and although he seemed to want to go to Gary, he stopped abruptly and stayed in the middle of the room. He avoided looking Mark in the eye, and wasn’t half as good at hiding it as he believed.

“Are you angry with me?” Robbie asked silently as no one spoke.

“Rob, don’t. Just. Don’t” Mark shook his head and turned around to put a filter in the boiling water.

Nobody said anything for a long time after that – Gary helped Mark prepare the tea while Robbie took three mugs from the cupboard. Once they all had a steaming mug of tea in their hands, they sat down at the dining table.

“Well… I wasn’t expecting this. I originally came to check on you” Mark said after a few moments of silence, not looking up at the other two. “Especially you, Gary, with your… divorce. But I guess you’re doing alright… for now.”

“I’m fine, Mark, you don’t have to worry” Gary assured him, although he was also staring at his tea. He knew that the other was right on some level – no matter how he tried not to think of it, he knew Robbie was going to go home, back to his wife eventually, and he was going to be left alone… But this had been going on between them for so long, this longing, this love, that now that he was able to enjoy it, he wanted to. He would rather cry missing Robbie than missing the opportunity…This past week was heaven, he wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

“I hope you know what you are doing” Mark sighed, then shook his head, finally looking up at Robbie with an icy glare. “Since you obviously don’t.”

“Mark, it’s not exactly what you may think. We… we’ve talked about this. It wasn’t Rob’s decision” Gary hurried to defend Robbie, who hunched his shoulders under Mark’s glare, not daring to meet his eyes.

“That’s at least partly good. But still, it involves more than you. Does Ayda even know?” he questioned them, although his angry was somewhat muted.

“Yes. I called her, told her everything. She knows everything” Robbie mumbled, watching the tea in his move as he played with the mug.

“She knows about this and lets it happen?” Mark stared at them shocked, then shook his head. “I can’t believe it… I can’t believe you two. If even she lets you destroy yourself with this… It’s not like I can stop you. Just… be careful. I don’t want to see either of you hurting.”

“We’ll be fine, Markie. You don’t have to worry, we’ll manage” Gary gave Mark a small, somewhat bitter smile. He knew that it wasn’t going to be this easy, but for now it was better to pretend it was.

“I hope you’re right” Mark sighed, leaning back in his chair, and took a sip of his tea.

Mark didn’t stay much longer – he barely drank his tea and he was out of the house. The mood was too tense for the three of them to talk about anything else than what was going on with Gary and Robbie, and none of them was wanted to discuss that any further. That would only have made it worse than it already was.

After Mark left, they went back to the living room and watched TV. They didn’t talk much, just cuddled on the sofa and stared at the screen. Robbie didn’t know if Gary felt as horrible as he did, but he couldn’t focus on the program. His thoughts were racing. So far he tried what Gary had asked of him, tried not thinking about after, but he had to. He couldn’t stay here forever, and the more he was here, the harder it was to think clearly. It was hard to think of not having Gary in his arms, of not waking up next to him every morning…

But there was Ayda, back home, with his children. His beautiful wife and children. His family, his responsibility, something he had sworn to protect and never abandon. He was supposed to not fuck things up with Ayda, he had honestly thought that they were going to last forever, that he could do it because it wasn’t that hard of a promise to keep. He loved her, it was easy being with her, easy having a good time with their children together, and playing family in a way he used to have doubts he ever could. He never regretted these past years and would never be able to. Gaz… he was fantastic. He was love, warmth and happiness. But he wasn’t stability.

“I think I’ll go have a shower” Gary said as he slipped out of Robbie’s arms and sat up on the couch. “Would you like to join?”

“Nah, I’ll pass. I’ll go after you” Robbie refused, rubbing his eyes. “I’m tired.”

“Alright, love” Gary smiled at him, leaned down to press a soft kiss on his lips, then stood up to go upstairs to the bathroom.

Robbie sighed and felt like crying. When he finally heard the shower running, he worked up the courage to reach for his phone, searched for Josie’s contact and called her.

“Hi, Rob. What can I do for you?” Josie asked with disapproval in her voice, she wasn’t even trying to hide it. Robbie couldn’t blame her, she had every right to.

“Hey. I need a plane ticket back home for tomorrow morning. Not too early” Robbie said, his voice barely more than a whisper and full of pain.

Silence followed his words and Josie didn’t say anything for about a minute or so. Robbie supposed she was trying to guess what had happened, or how to ask him about what had happened without stepping on the sore points. It didn’t matter really, because he was just waiting patiently for her to finally find some words.

“So… tomorrow morning. Back home, only you” Josie repeated him as if to make sure she had heard correctly. When Robbie hummed, she waited for a few moments before speaking again. “I honestly don’t know how to ask it any other way, so… Have you settled things with Gary?”

“No… Not exactly. I- I’m going to break up with him. Tonight. Or tomorrow morning. I… don’t know which is worse” Robbie answered and closed his eyes. What a shitty feeling it was… He couldn’t even find words for how big of an asshole he was…

“Break up?” Josie repeated in a curious voice but when Rob said nothing, she dropped the subject. “Alright then. I’ll send you your flight info and boarding pass in email later.”

“Thank you. Bye” Robbie said finally, then hung up without waiting for her answer. He closed his eyes and stayed there on the couch, letting self-hatred consume him.

He only moved next when the shower stopped. He stood up, dragged himself up the stairs, and when Gary left the bathroom, he went in to take a shower, ignoring Gary’s questioning gaze as he walked past him.

By the time Robbie was finished, Gary was already lying in the bed, the lights turned off. He walked over to ‘his’ side of the bed, and slipped under the blanket. He didn’t lie down though – instead he propped himself with his hands at both sides of Gary’s head, hovering over him.

“Gary…” he whispered, and the other stirred, turning to his back and looked up at him.

The next moment Gary pulled him down to a kiss and he obliged without hesitation. They made love for what was the last time, and Robbie felt horrible for the entire time because only he was aware of it yet. When they collapsed on the bed, both of them exhausted, he wrapped his arms tightly around Gary, pulling him close as they fell asleep.

And although Gary felt that something wasn’t right, he didn’t say anything.

In the morning, Robbie woke up for his alarm. This was the first time this week that he had set one up, but he had to wake up at 8 am at max, as he didn’t know when his flight was taking off. He reached for his phone and quickly shut down the annoying music, then opened his emails. There was his flight information – it took off from Heathrow at 11 am. That… was enough time.

“What is it?” Gary asked sleepily as he cuddled to Robbie’s side, his eyes still closed. “What time is it?”

“Only eight” Robbie mumbled as he wrapped a hand around Gary, then pressed a kiss to his hair. “But… I have to get up soon.”

“Why’s that?” Gary looked up at him now, visibly more awake all at once.

“Gaz, I… I’m sorry but… I’m going home today” Robbie uttered those dreaded words in shame, then closed his eyes. He couldn’t face Gary… he didn’t even deserve to.

“Home?” Gary repeated as he pulled away from Robbie’s arms and propped himself up on his elbows. “You mean… to Los Angeles?”

“Yes… I’m sorry” Robbie nodded, keeping his eyes closed still.

“You- you decided then?” Gary asked, and when the other nodded, he sat up on the bed, staring down at the covers. “Then… Then this was it… I told you it would be alright, so- so it is. I- I’ll let you pack your things” he said, then stood up from the bed. He quickly put on some clothes, then practically fled the room – Robbie didn’t even have to look up to know this.

He hated himself.

Robbie did eventually pack his bag, although he didn’t have much over, just a few clothes he had hurriedly thrown in, then walked downstairs. Gary had already prepared the tea and set the table for breakfast by the time he walked in the kitchen, and was now fumbling with something in the fridge. Robbie didn’t feel like he could sit down with Gary to have breakfast – his stomach felt so small, he doubted he could even drink anything. He dropped his bag down by the door and sat down by the table anyway, and Gary joined him a few moments later.

Both of them ate little, and awkwardly. After breakfast, Robbie helped Gary put the things away, then set the dirty plates and silverware in the dishwasher. They didn’t talk – barely even looked at each other. When they were ready, Robbie called a taxi, then joined Gary who was sitting at the dining table.

“I’m sorry” Robbie muttered, staring at the table in front of him.

“Don’t be. We talked about this. You had to choose, and I kind of knew from the start what it would be. I didn’t have illusions” Gary shook his head slowly, but he too wasn’t looking up at the other. His eyes were fixed on his hands that were playing with the hem of the table cover.

Robbie nodded at that, but it didn’t make him feel any better, especially as he heard Gary force calmness into his voice. He’d rather Gary shouted at him, called him names and threw him out of his house. Anger, he could deal with. But this…

They only stood up from the table when the taxi arrived. Gary walked Robbie to the door where he took his bag and swung it over his shoulder, then turned to face him.

He should say goodbye. How do you say goodbye in such a situation?

Fortunately, Gary didn’t let him worry about it for much longer but stepped to him and pulled him down to a kiss. For how calm he appeared to be, his kiss was frantic and desperate, and Robbie felt like he was never going to let go of him. But he did, and Robbie walked out the door, to the taxi and got in without looking back.

From the window Gary watched the car disappear around a corner, then walked upstairs, crawled under the covers and didn’t come out for the rest of the day.


	5. Chapter 5

Only when Robbie could already see Heathrow from the taxi did he pull out his phone and dialed Ayda’s number. He wanted to have some distance, some breathing space between himself and Gary before he could think about his life he was going back to. Even if it was the right thing to do, what he knew he’ll be glad for choosing – he needed to clear his head of the memories of the past few blissful days he had spent with Gary.

“Hi, Robbie” he heard Ayda’s voice over the phone. It sounded tired and somewhat tentative, even if she tried to cover up for it.

“Hey, hon. Were you asleep? I didn’t wake you up, did I?” Robbie asked a bit worried, calculating to LA time. It was about 1 am. Oh, he hated time zones.

“I was just dozing in front of the TV. It doesn’t matter” she replied dismissingly. “What’s up?”

“I’m- I’m almost at Heathrow, my flight home is in an hour” he started with the important part, just to get over with it and to calm Ayda. He knew she wanted to know that first, anyway.

“That’s – that’s good, you’ll be here today then” Ayda said and sounded honestly surprised. Robbie guessed that would be fair, after how he had just left on an impulse…

“Yeah, at about one in the afternoon. Josie has already arranged everything, so you don’t have to come and get me. I don’t want to attract attention, and anyway, I want to sleep when I get home, so we’ll talk after I get my beauty sleep” he tried to joke, hoping that he could actually convince her not to greet him at the airport – as sweet as that usually was, he didn’t want to meet her fresh at arrival. He knew he would need a shower in his own house, a fresh change of clothes and a few hours of refreshment to be able to face her. He hoped that the trip home and that rest would make the past week more of a memory than it felt now, because he didn’t intend to mope in front of Ayda… He was sure of his decision but that didn’t mean he wasn’t sad. He missed Gary already, especially that he knew he had just destroyed every remaining hope for their friendship…

“Alright, if that’s what you want” Ayda agreed without another word, fortunately, and that made Robbie sigh in relief.

“Good. Then… Then see you later?” he asked, trying to sound cheerful and hoped that he didn’t sound too ridiculous with this failed attempt.

“Sure, darling. Have a nice flight!” Ayda told him before she hung up.

Robbie felt like he didn’t have the right for anything nice.

After the taxi dropped him off and he managed to find his gate which wasn’t open yet, he searched for his seat that was secluded enough so he wouldn’t be bothered or recognized. With nothing else to do, he grabbed his phone to check his messages. He was afraid of what he might have received but he had to face Mark’s wrath eventually… There weren’t any messages yet, and now that he thought about it, Gary wasn’t really the one to start dumping his feelings on someone at the first opportunity he got… He decided that if he didn’t hear anything from either of them until the next day, he’d call Mark.

The flight back was worse than anything. There was nothing to keep his thoughts occupied except for the past few days, the past few hours, the guilt he felt for being so selfish, for practically using Gary, for doing what he was told a hundreds of times not to do… He was horrible. He ended up where he had started from, with the only thing he accomplished being breaking Gary’s heart. Spending ten hours with these thoughts wasn’t exactly a pleasure, but he supposed this was the least he deserved.

As the plane landed at LAX, he immediately searched for the taxi that was waiting for him. He didn’t want to draw much attention to himself, the last thing he needed was fucking paparazzi catching him in this state of mind. In the end he might do something he’d later regret, so yeah, avoiding a run-in would be for the best. But fortunately he managed to find the taxi pretty fast, so he jumped in and closed his eyes while they were driving home. He had tried to sleep on the plane but couldn’t really, and ten hours of squirming in the seat had worn him off. He just wanted to get home, get into bed and sleep off the jetlag and, hopefully, his bad mood.

When the car finally pulled up to his house, he felt as exhausted as possible. He really only wanted to get into bed and sleep till the next day. He walked in the house, peeking into the living room to see if Ayda was there, but the room was empty. However much he wanted to go straight to bed, he had to greet her first. So he walked out to the garden, finding her reading a magazine while sitting in a chair on the terrace. Their son was lying in a crib next to her and their daughter was playing with some toys in the grass.

“Hi, honey” Robbie called out for her silently, not wanting to wake their son if he was asleep.

“Oh, hi, Rob” Ayda smiled as she turned towards him in her chair, resting her magazine in her lap. “How was your flight?”

“Tiring. I want to go straight to sleep. Just thought I’d say hi” Robbie smiled at her, then suppressed a yawn.

“Alright, go ahead. We’ll talk when you wake up” she nodded at that, and raised her magazine again.

“Okay, bye, hon” Robbie nodded too, then went back into the house.

He dragged himself inside and up to the bedroom, stripped to his underwear, and slipped into the bed. Despite being so tired, despite being home, despite knowing they’d had an agreement with Gary, he felt the guilt hard and heavy inside him. Sleep was a safe haven from it that he didn’t feel he deserved. This thought – and his memories of the previous days – kept him awake, tossing and turning in the bed for at least an hour before he finally fell asleep.

Robbie awoke sometime around noon. He knew immediately, without checking a clock because of the bright light that was shining in the windows, flooding the room. He lay there for a good few minutes, just staring into nothingness, still not quite awake before he could find it in himself to sit up. A shower was very much need, he decided, because he felt sweaty and smelly and just overall uncomfortable. So he headed to the bathroom and soaked under the hot running water for at least twenty minutes, as if trying to wash away the past week. After he was ready and dressed, he headed downstairs to face Ayda.

Robbie found her in the living room, lying on the couch and reading a book.

“Hey” he said with a small smile as he stopped in the doorway for a moment, then walked in, choosing an armchair for himself to sprawl out in.

“Hi, honey” Ayda looked up, smiling back at him and lowered the book to her lap. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, slept like a log. These long flights always tire me” Robbie answered, leaning his head against the backrest and closed his eyes. “Where are the kids?”

“They’re sleeping, it’s their afternoon nap” Ayda said with a fond smile on her lips.

“Ah, right. That’s good. A little peace and quiet then” Robbie smirked, at which Ayda chuckled and shook her head. “Why? You’ve been home alone with them, don’t tell me you’re not enjoying a little break!”

“I didn’t say that!” Ayda protested jokingly, still laughing. Silence settled between them and their smiles slowly died down as the certain elephant in the room emerged in their thoughts. They knew the other was thinking about that, too, it wasn’t too hard to figure out. “How are you?” Ayda asked finally in a soft voice.

“Good” Robbie shrugged, then dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap. “I’ll cope. I don’t feel like I should be the one to whine.”

“Rob…” Ayda started gently, but Robbie didn’t let her finish.

“No, it’s alright. I know this” he shook his head, still refusing to look up at her. “I just disappeared without a word and did what I did. Jesus, if anything, you should be shouting with me!”

“Well, I’m not, and I won’t” she declared strictly, then after a few moments continued in a gentler tone. “If you want to talk about it…”

“No. It’s- It’s over there, it ended over there and I’m here. I just- If you are not angry at me, then I want to leave the distance where it is” he said quickly. The last thing he wanted was to talk about Gary with his wife. Not that Ayda wouldn’t be understanding, but it was just wrong. “I’m in for a scolding from Mark anyway. I seriously fear for my life” he said humorlessly, staring into the air with a somber look on his face.

Ayda was silent after that – she didn’t know what to tell him. Robbie didn’t blame her, it was a horribly awkward situation he had put themselves. That was exactly why he didn’t want to discuss it any further. If he wanted to keep his marriage as good as it had been until now, then there shouldn’t be awkward silences. They never had those, they could always talk about something, even if it was only meaningless and utterly stupid joking around. He wanted his marriage alive.

Robbie wished he didn’t sound like he was trying to convince himself.

As the day progressed, his mood got better. Having his wonderful children around again was amazing, he missed them so much. It at least distracted him if nothing else, as he had to watch his daughter move around and had to change the nappies his son used, then they prepared a snack for them, then it was playtime again and then dinner and sleep time… It was a busy day, always keeping Rob occupied, so he didn’t really have time to worry, only when it was already evening.

When he and Ayda decided to turn in for the night, he grabbed his laptop and lay down on the bed, putting it in his lap. First thing first, he knew he had to check his messages. So he opened his email account, somewhat dreading what he would find.

It was a short email from Mark, only saying ‘Call me’. That was bad. Really, really bad.

Robbie looked at his clock. It showed 11 pm, so plus eight hours… It meant it was 7 am in London. Quite a reasonable time to call. He had called Mark in more inappropriate hours without a second thought, and anyway, they were always mocking him how he didn’t wake up ‘in time’. It shouldn’t be that early then.

“Honey, I have to call Mark” he turned to Ayda, who was reading beside him in the bed, as he closed his laptop and put it aside, then reached for his phone. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, so you don’t have to wait for me. And I’ll try to be silent.”

“Alright. I’ll just read for a few more minutes” Ayda nodded and decided not to make any comment. She saw how Robbie wasn’t quite there whole day, how he focused on the kids to not let it show through… Ayda knew that all she could do now was to wait and be there if needed.

Robbie smiled at her, then went out of the room, hurrying downstairs, so he would be far enough from the kids’ room not to wake them up accidentally. He sat down at the couch, stared at his phone for a few moments, then took a deep breath and dialed.

“Hey, Mark” he said slowly when the other picked up.

“Rob” Mark replied coolly, then silence settled in between them.

“I take it you have talked to Gary?” Robbie asked anxiously, afraid of both the answer and Mark.

“Yes” Mark said, his voice even colder and that was answer enough in itself for Robbie’s next question. Not that he would have needed to have it spelled out.

“How is he?”

“What do you think?” Mark said and he sounded very angry. When Robbie didn’t say anything to that, he continued. “What do you expect me to say? I warned you. And Gary, too. I don’t think I have anything else to add. He was an idiot, too, I told him as much when he called me in the middle of the night and I went over to him. But you… You have your wife, your family with you, it was easier for you to take it all back… So I might be a bit more pissed at you.”

“I know. I didn’t… You know that I didn’t want Gaz to be hurt… I just…” Robbie tried to gather his thoughts, to formulate an answer, something, anything in his defense…

“You just weren’t thinking” Mark finished instead of him. He sighed before continuing. “Look, just… I don’t know what to tell to you. I think you should just avoid Gary for a while. It should be easy with you over there. And… despite everything, don’t torture yourself. He agreed to it. Believe me, I’m going to scold him, too, when he… when he doesn’t look suicidal.”

“Alright… Thanks” Robbie mumbled into the phone while he stared into the darkness outside.

“I’ll go now. I want to sleep while he’s sleeping, too, so I can be awake with him” Mark said, and his voice did sound very tired.

“Yeah, sure. Then… write me if you need anything… or if something happens” Robbie said silently, not quite knowing what to say. Mark would understand that he meant – if Gary got any worse than that.

“I will. Good night” Mark promised, then hung up.

Robbie just stayed sitting there, staring out the window with his phone still beside his ear. Then slowly, he dropped it to the carpet, and curled up. His stomach felt heavy with guilt, his thoughts and emotions were rushing through him and he could hardly keep up with himself. He didn’t go back to the bedroom to Ayda, somewhere in the middle of his self-pity, he fell asleep on the couch.

Robbie woke up there in the morning, with the only change being that his phone was now on the table and there was a blanket carefully laid over him. It must have been Ayda, he thought to himself as he slowly sat up, wincing as he straightened his back. It hurt like a bitch – spending the night on a couch above forty wasn’t a wise decision. He really should remember that, even when he was upset…

Rubbing his eyes, he stood up and started walking towards the kitchen as he heard noises coming from that direction. He hadn’t checked what time it was, but it must have been breakfast time. He had to get ready for acting like nothing happened, for playing the earlier version of himself that hadn’t gotten into this mess. He used to be good at hiding his emotions, but he never had to do that beside Ayda. It looked like he had to see if he could still do it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of this story. :) I hope you enjoyed the ride!

As it turned out, it was good enough for the children – not good enough for Ayda. During the next few days Robbie could see it in her eyes, how she knew… something that he himself might haven’t recognized. She acted as usual around him, of course, but there was somehow less… physical contact. Not so many hugs and kisses or spontaneous light touches anymore… Robbie knew that despite him trying to convince himself, something had changed in their relationship, something that he feared was irreparable.

Maybe the biggest sign was that they weren’t having sex anymore. Sure, he might have been gone for only a week and might have been back for only a couple of days, but still. Under any other circumstances, they would have celebrated his return, in the least. They weren’t at it that much anymore, but both of them had a healthy sex drive and it was just simply unusual to not have sex for almost two weeks when they could. Robbie wondered which of them was going to talk about it first because weirdly enough, he just… didn’t want to have sex with anyone, so he didn’t find it that important. This was really, really bad…

He thought about Gary, too. A lot, in fact. Whole day, whenever his relationship with Ayda came to his mind, Gary was there, too. He thought about how his kisses tasted like, how he felt when they were together… then felt guilty as he glanced at Ayda sitting beside him, sweet, patient Ayda who accepted every single one of his crazy things, helped him through the worst of his life and still to this day just nodded to his most extreme wishes, just like with this whole Gary case… He couldn’t have imagined a better wife, she was literally perfect, and yet he managed to screw it up. When they got married, he thought that once in his life he was finally able to commit to something, to be faithful and be in this till death did them apart, that kind of stuff… Now it seemed it all was collapsing on him, just like everything else he did in his life…

“Rob… Rob… Are you alright?”

Robbie looked up at Ayda lying in the bed beside him, looking at him with a half-smiling, half-worried expression, her book lowered to her lap. He realized he had been staring at his laptop background for the last five minutes, that was what drew Ayda’s attention. He rubbed his eyes, both in tiredness and exasperation with himself as he answered.

“Sure, everything’s alright… Just got lost in thoughts…”

“You do that a lot lately, since you got back from England” Ayda replied, staring at her lap instead of looking at Robbie. Her voice sounded calm enough but they both knew it wasn’t. They were both tense because of what was to come in this little conversation.

“I… think a lot about that. About us. About Gary” Robbie admitted, even though it was a fact they were aware of, just like that the sky was blue.

“And have you gotten anywhere?” Ayda asked, looking at him finally, though her expression was calm and hid her emotions perfectly. Robbie knew perfectly that she didn’t want to seem vulnerable, just like him – the only difference being, she was actually succeeding.

“I… I don’t know anything. I love him. And I still love you. But…”

“But things have changed?” Ayda helped him out, the smile playing on her lips turning bitter.

“Exactly” Robbie said, mirroring her expression. “I try thinking everything through but don’t get anywhere, I try convincing myself that I did the right thing, then remember what Mark has said about Gaz… I keep thinking about what would have happened if I stayed put and let Mark take care of him the first time around and I feel so guilty that I didn’t…”

“You did what you thought was right” Ayda said silently, looking away from Robbie.

“It wasn’t good enough. I only managed to screw things up completely. Gary is worse than before and I dragged you into this mess, too… I’m a pathetic excuse for a husband” Robbie sighed, angry with himself, with this whole impossible chaos he had made.

“You’re not pathetic. These kind of things always end in a mess. Usually a lot worse of a mess” Ayda shook her head slightly, then put her book on the bedside table, and sat up properly in the bed, looking at Robbie. “What do you think? Does it worth trying to keep up this marriage or do you want to go back to Gary?”

Robbie stared at her in shock, not expecting this question, at least not so soon. He had played around with this idea in his head a few times, but always felt bad for it. What if they ended it? What if he chose Gary? Would that work out better than this? That relationship would be much harder to maintain with the media attention they would get when it got out, and he couldn’t even maintain his marriage that was mostly supported. What would he do when it was opposed?

Knowing himself, laugh and work through it anyway.

“I just… I meant it, y’know” Robbie whispered, his eyes fixed on the bed in front of him and tried hard to hold back the tears forming in his eyes from falling. “Till death do us apart. I thought I could finally keep my promise…”

“I know” Ayda nodded and reached out, took Robbie’s hand and squeezed it, smiling at him. “But we didn’t fail this marriage, we ended it. It was perfect while it lasted.”

“Thanks” Robbie smiled back, then gave up holding back his tears.

The next morning while they were having breakfast Robbie had to realize that he had no idea what he was going to do now.

First time round it was such a spontaneous idea to just go and fly to England to knock on Gary’s door. But he could hardly do that again, especially now that he had already broken Gary’s heart once and Mark was guarding him. It didn’t seem too fair from him to change his mind now either, but he couldn’t help that. If he got another chance from Gary, he’d take it at whatever cost, and if he didn’t, well, he’d figure something out. He had been single and heartbroken before and he survived. He had also been rash before and survived that, too.

He should call Mark as a first step, he thought. He doubted Gary would even answer, and he had every right not to. The way he announced his departure… Not even this change of heart could undo that. So Mark was the only way to go. Maybe he would help him communicate with Gary, would tell him to answer when he called, maybe… There was a bigger chance for this than Gary picking up on first try.

“I’ll move out with the kids tomorrow” Ayda said, breaking the silence. This made Robbie look up from his cereal with a shocked look as Ayda continued. “I’ll find an apartment where we could live and…”

“Wait, what?” Robbie cut her off, then shook his head. “No, Ayda, you’re not going to do that. You don’t have to do that. You can stay here and I’ll… Well, I have no idea how things will turn out but I’ll move. The kids love this house, so you stay.”

“But Rob, this was your house before-”

“Before. But then we got married and it became our house. Then the kids’. So you have the bigger part of the rights” Robbie stated and so he considered this argument over.

“Alright. If you’re sure” Ayda nodded and smiled slightly. She reached over the table and took Robbie’s hand in hers. “Everything will be alright with Gary. I know that. Just don’t give up.”

“Thanks” Robbie smiled back faintly, and hell, he hoped so.

After breakfast he and Ayda brought the children out to the garden. Their daughter enjoyed playing in the garden, while Ayda sat with the baby in her arms. Robbie went back to the house and sat down in his study, staring at his phone. It took him about ten minutes to gather his thoughts as much as he could and actually dial Mark.

“Hey, Rob” Mark greeted him and for once, his voice wasn’t angry.

“Hi” Robbie said in return, somewhat nervously, and braced himself for the conversation. “I, uh… I’ve got some news to tell.”

“I see… Good or bad?” Mark asked, his voice surprised but tense, obviously anticipating something bad.

“Well… it depends?” Robbie laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t call them necessarily bad but they are… not exactly what you would call good. Ayda and I, we decided to divorce.”

A silence that stretched out for near a minute followed his announcement. Robbie could practically hear the thoughts going through Mark’s head right now, all his worries and hopes.

“Wait, are you… You two are getting a divorce? Why?” Mark asked back finally, slowly, carefully, clearly unsure on how to respond.

“When I came home… You know, we tried to go back to how things were. I didn’t really want to talk about what has happened and, well, you can imagine Ayda wasn’t too keen on hearing about it, so we left it at that. But we just… I just couldn’t continue where we left off before. I’m thinking of Gary, every moment, how much I’ve hurt him, how happy he was when we were together. I… I think I want that” Robbie confessed, leaned back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling and took a deep breath before he continued. “I made a mistake when I came back from England. I should have stayed with him. Do you think I can make it right yet?”

“Oh, Robbie…” Mark mumbled and Rob heard the pain in his voice, then there was silence again. He could hear soft background noises – a door opening and closing, then there were the silent sounds of traffic nearby. “Look, I… I’m at Gary’s, so I don’t have much time, I told him it’s Emma calling. What I can tell you is that if you’re so sure this is what you really want, then do what you think you should. Make it up to him. But don’t repeat what has happened. I don’t think Gary could endure that…” Mark’s voice trailed off and there was a short pause before he sighed and continued. “I want you two to be happy together, so please, don’t fuck up.”

“I don’t plan to” Robbie said silently, a smile playing on his lips. He was so relieved that Mark agreed to it, he had thought that he would be angry at him for changing his mind yet again…

“And what do you have in mind?” Mark asked, his voice now positively hopeful.

“Well, I don’t yet know… But I have to come up with something that’s good enough to make him forgive me” Robbie said, thinking about it. He had to do something grand, something romantic…

“A moment!” Mark shouted to someone, then continued in a somewhat hushed voice. “Sorry, Rob, but I gotta go back inside now. Figure out something, I know you’re good at this.”

“Hopefully” Robbie chuckled slightly. “See ya then.”

“Yeah, see you” Mark said too, then hung up.

Now all Robbie needed was a plan.

It took Robbie three days to figure something out. He wanted something grand, something romantic but serious, to impress Gary, to convince him that he meant it and was worth it. Now he felt like he found just the thing. Hopefully it was really going to be enough.

He booked his flight, said goodbye to Ayda and the kids, then in a blink of an eye, he found himself sitting nervously on the plane landing at Heathrow. He felt excited to be there already, and utter dread at the same time. Oh, he wanted to be with Gary but he was afraid of the way leading there. If it led there at all. But no, he wasn’t going to think about that, he had to stay positive. Nothing was sure yet, and he knew that Gary loved him, that should be enough. For him, it was.

Sitting in the cab and travelling to Gary’s house, he thought to himself with a small, bitter smile how long this route seemed lately. But hopefully this was the last time he had to come here while trying to ignore the knot of fear in his stomach. If everything turned out right, it should be. He so wasn’t sure in what he was doing right now, if his plan was romantic or creepy, cute or embarrassing… It all depended on Gary and if he could forgive him after what he had done. If he wanted to forgive him at all.

As the cab stopped in front of Gary’s house, Robbie leaned forward between the two seats in the front to be able to talk to the chauffer.

“Hey, I’d need a favor. Can you stay here with the car and help me?” Robbie asked the man, then quickly added as an afterthought. “I’ll pay, of course.”

“Yes, I can stay” the chauffer nodded slowly, visibly unsure. Robbie smirked at that – he would probably make that face at himself, too, if he was in the poor guy’s place, he was aware of his own reputation. “What would you need, sir?”

“How loud is the radio?” Robbie asked with a grin.

After ten minutes of arranging everything, Robbie stood nervously in front of the house, looked back at the cab driver and nodded to him, who at that pushed the play button on the radio. The music for ‘Back for good’ started playing loud enough that it was possible to hear it in the houses around them and he was nervously rocking from one leg to another as he waited for the point where he could start singing. He then joined in as loudly as he could and his eyes were nervously scanning the windows and the door to see if there was any movement, any sign that Gary noticed him, that he realized this was for him. Or if he took one look at him and deemed it not worthy of bother, or called the police on him…

He was well into the first chorus when the front door opened and there stood Gary, in a simple T-shirt and sweatpants, barefoot, looking at him somewhere between shock, disbelief and… was that fondness? He continued to sing without wavering, looking at Gary, until the man stood a few hesitant steps towards him, raised his arms in a questioning manner and gave him an unsure smile. Robbie stopped and quickly waved for the cab driver to shut down the music.

“What are you doing here?” Gary asked, staring at Robbie with a confused and incredulous look.

“I- I came to apologize” Robbie said, looking at Gary with a serious expression. “And I need to talk to you. There’s something important- I’m divorcing” he blurted out quickly, and bit his lip in nervousness, waiting for Gary’s reaction, watching him.

“You- you what?” Gary stared at him, gaping, and complete shock took over him. He looked away from Robbie, ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Come in, we- we really shouldn’t have this conversation out here.”

“Yeah, yeah, right” Robbie nodded enthusiastically, then pointed at the taxi behind him. “I’ll just pay up real quickly.”

Gary nodded, too, then walked back inside his house. Robbie hurried back to the cab driver, paid, then grabbing his bag, he went after Gary. He wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to go or what he was going to say exactly, but he hoped for the best.


End file.
